Sometimes I feel really lonely. It's like, everyone has someone else but not me. Is it just me thinking too much, or does it symbolise something?
Today was rather a memorable one for me, and not really in a good way. It's the first day where we had geography, and I realised I didn't have the new notes that Ms Lau gave out before last term ended because I wasn't in school, and nobody kept a copy for me. I don't know to be more upset at who: Ms Lau who asked me to borrow someone's copy and photocopy it, or the fact that nobody cared enough for me to help me keep a copy despite me already informing a few people I wasn't in school on the day?
During literature, we also go from our class to the humanities room. I realised that I was walking by myself like I sometimes do while others go off in pairs or groups. Nobody was walking with me, or maybe nobody wanted to.
These made me think about the past few events and I realised that also, during assembly everyday, I'm almost always by myself as well. Even if I'm in the centre, nobody would sit with me. Do I give the impression that I'm unapproachable?
I wonder what changed though. I used to be able to make friends easily; now I'm forever alone. I do know that people change, but what changed so much that I can't interact with anyone anymore? Whenever I see my classmates chatting I can't join in because we don't have similar interests and I admit half the time I don't know what they're talking about. Like if they talk about their cca stuff or some artist who just released a new song and I have zero idea what that song is about.
Some time ago I also found some people who have similar interests as me, and I thought I could bond with them. But maybe life is never easy because right now I'm not that close to them. Maybe it's also like they're just some of the people who will walk in and walk out of my life but not be of that big a significance. In the end though, that just means I'm even more alone.
But thank goodness, in the end I also realise that no matter what, I have a group of people who will love me and care for me. No matter how alone I feel in school or outside, these people will still be there when I need them. I've since long ago abolished the whole age issue; somehow I feel I can interact with people who aren't my age better than with people my age. Maybe some will call me pathetic because I can't socialise with my peers but hey, friends are friends no matter how old or young they are right?
That being said, I also feel lucky that I'm born in Singapore instead of so many other places. At least I have a roof over my head, walk around with a full stomach and always having enough clothes to wear (but of course girls can never have too many clothes XD). It's like a form of cheering myself up, counting my blessings.
No, I'm not running away from my problem. All I can do is try to interact with others more and just see what happens next. I can't be changing my personality or tastes to fit in with these people because then I'll lose my sense of self. And I also can't force myself to listen to the music they listen to because we have different tastes and I don't like 90% of what they listen to anyway. But I'll need to take the first step; in the end I can safely say I've tried. I won't end up with regrets then (I hope).
Well, enough of my rants. I hope I can update on my UK trip soon~
.// &&CALZ
